It's the end of the month. I rowed an amazing 134 kms this month, the first time (I know I know I keep repeating it) I've done so in 19 months. It feels great! Today I rowed 7 kms (32 mins). Rowing is like running; I can row 10 kms in about the same amount of time I could run 10 kms (if my foot didn't hurt so badly from the plantar fasciatis, that is). I'm just so darned happy that I've stuck with the exercising this month. 23 out of 30 days. 77% of the days this month. Wahoo!
Otoh, I haven't lost a single pound, and that is truly disheartening. maybe i'm building muscle back up. But seriously, couldn't we just start losing a LITTLE weight, please?! I'm giving myself 19 months. Surely that's enough time to work this off?!
Now that the exercise is somewhat firmly implanted in my daily routine again, I've been looking at the other areas of my life. I'm drinking more water again and have started taking a multivitamin (Garden of Life's Vitamin Code for women, which seems specifically formulated for a raw diet) as well as a calcium/magnesium supplement. I'd been re-reading Becoming Raw (Davis/Melina) and began wondering just how "well-planned" my raw food diet really was. I kinda eat whatever's around, not thinking ahead. Maybe that's my downfall, eh?
Life's about balance. Lately I've just been trying to step back, look at things a little more objectively and assess if the balance is working for me. The house, for example, looks like a tornado whipped through (in actual fact it was a certain 7 yr old with a penchant for creative, imaginative play). Maybe tomorrow I'll get a chance to straighten things out. I'm not stressed out about the disarray, but I would like it a *little* tidier... before Mother's Day. ;)
30 April 2011
24 April 2011
Empowering Changes
I watched a couple RawFoodWorld TV Show episodes while on high-speed yesterday and one episode talked about compulsive eating. I don't yet have my compulsive eating under control, I admit it. (*see? the sky didn't fall in by admitting that!*) I haven't found a local support like a counsellor who specializes in food addictions, and I feel like that's who I'm going to need - someone with that kind of training - to help me sort through this, because it's definitely entrenched (unhealthy) eating patterns. I think it's just something I keep putting out of my mind (or at least pushing it into the back recesses of my mind). It's not something I've wanted to admit or deal with.
But at some point (probably sooner than my ego realizes (LOL)), I'm going to have to grab the bull by the horns and deal with it. I look forward to being a person who isn't addicted to food, who makes healthy food choices and doesn't overeat.
On another note, I've been diligent about exercising this month. So far I've been active 18 out of 24 days - 75%. That's my goal. 75% of the time be active for at *least* half an hour those days. It's not like I'm expecting myself to do a triathlon or a marathon (although secretly I think that would be *so* exhilarating!). Just half an hour. And still, there are days that I just *resist* big-time. But no excuses! I am committed to improving my health. It feels good to have honoured that commitment this month. It's the first time I've done so in 19 months, and it's as though I'm saying to myself "I am worthy" every time I make the effort to exercise.
Small steps are how big changes are made.
But at some point (probably sooner than my ego realizes (LOL)), I'm going to have to grab the bull by the horns and deal with it. I look forward to being a person who isn't addicted to food, who makes healthy food choices and doesn't overeat.
On another note, I've been diligent about exercising this month. So far I've been active 18 out of 24 days - 75%. That's my goal. 75% of the time be active for at *least* half an hour those days. It's not like I'm expecting myself to do a triathlon or a marathon (although secretly I think that would be *so* exhilarating!). Just half an hour. And still, there are days that I just *resist* big-time. But no excuses! I am committed to improving my health. It feels good to have honoured that commitment this month. It's the first time I've done so in 19 months, and it's as though I'm saying to myself "I am worthy" every time I make the effort to exercise.
Small steps are how big changes are made.
21 April 2011
Spring has Sprung...
I *think* this is spring. It's still so darned cold you wouldn't know it, but the sun is eeking out most days now. We literally had a dusting of snow last week - APRIL snow!!! *Not* the norm. But yes, the sun is out most days. The garden is still too wet and cold to get into and the more mediterranean herbs did not survive the winter (lavender, rosemary)... and my rosemary busy was quite large, too. Very disappointing.
DS had his birthday party on the weekend and it was great fun. The kids played on the trampoline, I think there was a game of capture-the-flag going on for a while, and a game of cops-and-robbers (until it ended when the one robber was mauled by a mob of cops... no comment). I know my son truly appreciated having his friends here to celebrate with him; made his day!
I've noticed that my son is maturing, in that he now takes great pride in having his dresser drawers very neatly organized. He does his own laundry, even hanging it on the line to dry (rather than throwing it all in the conveniently-placed yet energy-hogging dryer next to the washer like his father is apt to do). About mid-week last week he went on a cleaning rampage around the house and picked up toys and items strewn about the house in an effort to start tidying up before the party. This is new behaviour, this taking pride in one's home and general appearance. I guess I should welcome and encourage it but otoh I don't want it becoming obsessive. But maybe that's the slob in me talking. LOL
My daughter is pretending her baby stroller is a wheelchair. She's on the verge of being too big to sit in it - wedges herself in and then scoots along with her feet. I remember having thoughts like that as a child, wondering what it would be like to be different than I was - whether that was wearing glasses or being deaf or being in a wheelchair. Just really wondering what it would be like. I think it's safe for her to ponder these things in the shelter of her own home. Obviously I don't encourage her to go out in public in her doll stroller.
I think I might have gotten into this exercise habit now. 16 out of 21 days this month I've moved and grooved... and while I'm not seeing any weight loss and I'm not yet squeezing into my too-small pants, I am feeling good about taking the time to exercise most days. I know there are triggers for me to not exercise: leaving it too late in the day, expecting to go farther or longer (or working out harder) than my normal pace. I sometimes have trouble keeping in mind I've been a sloth the past 19 months and it's going to take a little time to get back into the groove. But every day, little by little, I'm making it a priority. And it feels gooooooooood.
How 'bout you? What's new with you?
DS had his birthday party on the weekend and it was great fun. The kids played on the trampoline, I think there was a game of capture-the-flag going on for a while, and a game of cops-and-robbers (until it ended when the one robber was mauled by a mob of cops... no comment). I know my son truly appreciated having his friends here to celebrate with him; made his day!
I've noticed that my son is maturing, in that he now takes great pride in having his dresser drawers very neatly organized. He does his own laundry, even hanging it on the line to dry (rather than throwing it all in the conveniently-placed yet energy-hogging dryer next to the washer like his father is apt to do). About mid-week last week he went on a cleaning rampage around the house and picked up toys and items strewn about the house in an effort to start tidying up before the party. This is new behaviour, this taking pride in one's home and general appearance. I guess I should welcome and encourage it but otoh I don't want it becoming obsessive. But maybe that's the slob in me talking. LOL
My daughter is pretending her baby stroller is a wheelchair. She's on the verge of being too big to sit in it - wedges herself in and then scoots along with her feet. I remember having thoughts like that as a child, wondering what it would be like to be different than I was - whether that was wearing glasses or being deaf or being in a wheelchair. Just really wondering what it would be like. I think it's safe for her to ponder these things in the shelter of her own home. Obviously I don't encourage her to go out in public in her doll stroller.
I think I might have gotten into this exercise habit now. 16 out of 21 days this month I've moved and grooved... and while I'm not seeing any weight loss and I'm not yet squeezing into my too-small pants, I am feeling good about taking the time to exercise most days. I know there are triggers for me to not exercise: leaving it too late in the day, expecting to go farther or longer (or working out harder) than my normal pace. I sometimes have trouble keeping in mind I've been a sloth the past 19 months and it's going to take a little time to get back into the groove. But every day, little by little, I'm making it a priority. And it feels gooooooooood.
How 'bout you? What's new with you?
18 April 2011
raw food bulk order: wed apr 20th @ noon
check it out over at rawfoodsooke, my other blog - another raw food bulk order is going in this week if you'd like anything. you'd *love* the tamari almonds or raw chocolates i make!
~n~
~n~
16 April 2011
exercise
well, i am trying in earnest to get into that daily exercise habit that is so crucial to my overall well-being. It's been 19 months since I've really been in "the zone". I've tried several times over the 19 months to get back into it, but for whatever reason, each time I tried, I'd make it 2 weeks and then stop. I think I wanted to see some serious results in 2 weeks or less and when that wasn't happening it was really hard to stay motivated.
This month I've exercised 12 out of the past 16 days. I feel good about it, but that hasn't made it any easier to get down to business each day. I still lead a dismally sedentary life, spending *far* too much time in the car or just generally in a chair, despite having housework to do or chores or other responsibilities. I don't live with people who initiate hikes, or runs, or what-have-you. But I know from any changes I've made in my life that I have to *be* the active person to get those around me to either become that way themselves or to attract people into my life who will support me being more active... people who will help me stay on the path. *I* have to start the chain reaction. And I know *I* have the ability to do that.
So for all my grumbling and grumpiness about *having* to exercise daily, really, I feel very blessed that I have my health. I have the ABILITY to exercise and for that, I am truly, truly grateful. I may not ever enter a triathlon, I may not ever set world records, but I do appreciate the benefits I gain from a daily exercise habit.
So let's get down to business. It's time to get our bodies moving and *enjoy* the experience! :D
This month I've exercised 12 out of the past 16 days. I feel good about it, but that hasn't made it any easier to get down to business each day. I still lead a dismally sedentary life, spending *far* too much time in the car or just generally in a chair, despite having housework to do or chores or other responsibilities. I don't live with people who initiate hikes, or runs, or what-have-you. But I know from any changes I've made in my life that I have to *be* the active person to get those around me to either become that way themselves or to attract people into my life who will support me being more active... people who will help me stay on the path. *I* have to start the chain reaction. And I know *I* have the ability to do that.
So for all my grumbling and grumpiness about *having* to exercise daily, really, I feel very blessed that I have my health. I have the ABILITY to exercise and for that, I am truly, truly grateful. I may not ever enter a triathlon, I may not ever set world records, but I do appreciate the benefits I gain from a daily exercise habit.
So let's get down to business. It's time to get our bodies moving and *enjoy* the experience! :D
13 April 2011
Today's thoughts
Still pondering how to reconcile one's ideals and values and beliefs in life with the way one actually *lives* their life. Because sometimes those are two *totally* different things.
And then there's how does this relate to politics with the upcoming federal election in Canada.
Went to a movie tonight, The Greenhorns, about young farmers in America - the joys, and the challenges, facing young farmers today. Like access to land. Like making a profit. Like different models of farming and how small-scale organic agriculture is where my heart is. I can see myself farming the 5 acres, if only to provide my (extended) family with good food, or at least to cut our food bill considerably. Realistically, I'll need to grow more than we need so I can sell *some* - enough to buy inputs and make increases in capital expenditures like greenhouses, etc. But I can see the passion rising within. I can see myself doing it. Hopefully sooner than later!
Still pondering creativity and what it looks like to be creative. And how important it is for all of us to have a creative outlet in our lives. A way of expressing that. Because it is *so* important to our well-being!
Grateful for the many blessings I am surrounded by,
~n~
And then there's how does this relate to politics with the upcoming federal election in Canada.
Went to a movie tonight, The Greenhorns, about young farmers in America - the joys, and the challenges, facing young farmers today. Like access to land. Like making a profit. Like different models of farming and how small-scale organic agriculture is where my heart is. I can see myself farming the 5 acres, if only to provide my (extended) family with good food, or at least to cut our food bill considerably. Realistically, I'll need to grow more than we need so I can sell *some* - enough to buy inputs and make increases in capital expenditures like greenhouses, etc. But I can see the passion rising within. I can see myself doing it. Hopefully sooner than later!
Still pondering creativity and what it looks like to be creative. And how important it is for all of us to have a creative outlet in our lives. A way of expressing that. Because it is *so* important to our well-being!
Grateful for the many blessings I am surrounded by,
~n~
12 April 2011
mental shift and struggle.
wow. sunday night was like a huge lightning storm in my consciousness. i had this major meltdown, wondering what life was for, wondering where we (as humans and as individuals) are headed... just generally really emotionally volatile.
What i realized was that (and this was a huge aha moment for me) i value creativity. specifically, i realized that i value the PROCESS of creating moreso than the RESULT of the creative spirit. The process of creating. I am still trying to sort through this as it has a huge impact on how i view situations in my life.
In essence, I value the journey moreso than the destination.
I also think that the highest expression of creativity is in creating life. This could be in nurturing seeds to grow, in caring for animals and other beings, in caring for the Earth, in growing and being with children. For me, i just don't get the same kind of pleasure out of painting a picture or singing a song that i do out of watching a seed sprout through the earth or being in the presence of an infant of any species. i have difficulty seeing the Creator in the process of painting more than i do in the more-obvious (for me) birth of a seedling.
I am acutely aware that I am not the creator of life (little 'i', i mean... ego). No, I realize that the spark of life is something so much greater than my little ego could ever come up with. i've never really seen myself as a creative person, and yet, i see how the highest expression of creativity in my life so far has been in growing and birthing my children.
And now they are coming of an age where they just aren't dependent upon me the way they were when they were infants (it's been a gradual weaning for me, letting them have increasing independency, and naturally, it continues). Maybe it's a delayed post-partum depression, maybe it's a natural thing to grieve their increasing independence, while at the same time, really appreciating it, too.
It's a natural thing, this letting go, this growing up. And yet it can be so darned painful, too. I see how attached I am to the role of Mama. So darned attached to being in their presence. And I am struggling to accept that attachment. It's not that I don't want it to be that way. It's that part of me doesn't want them growing up so fast, I guess.
This is the part in some mothers' lives where they seek out that connection elsewhere. Of course I know plenty of mothers who are all-too-happy to see their children grow up. Can't stand the dependency of infants and toddlers.
Intellectually, I know we're not having more children in our family. Emotionally, I'd like to continually renegotiate, but it's simply not being brought to the table for discussion. And being that I am attached to the view that creativity in its highest expression is the creation of life (and I see how attached I am to that view and how it's creating suffering in this case), I'm really really struggling with redefining how I see myself as creative in life. How can I express my creativity in other ways and (this is important) see it as equally valuable?
I thought about farming. Yes, growing food for my own family is huge for me. I look forward to the day when we live on the 5 acres and I have the field in full production. I can't wait. But I also know how much commitment, how much time and energy on an ongoing basis the production of food for my family will be. But otoh, I also know that it is something I value tremendously. But I hesitate to embrace it with the same enthusiasm that I embarked upon motherhood with. Maybe because the plants will need the same dependent care season after season. They won't grow up once like the children. (the devious side of my brain says it's because farming's not as enjoyable as sex - LMAO! i have a long way to go towards purity of thought)
I thought about living a simpler lifestyle. I have been increasingly concerned with our consumptive materialistic lifestyle, and it weighs heavier and heavier on me daily. I hate that I am driving an SUV 40,000 kms a year. This is insane. I discuss it with the kids regularly - how if we lived closer to town we could bike to classes or the farmer's market. We agree that if we had to bike to places we'd go out less often, for sure (the 5 acres is still 9 or 10 kms from town one way and 15 kms to the town we are currently closest to, which is 23 kms from our house on a very winding, not bike-friendly road, which is why we don't currently bike to town). So transportation is one thing on my mind, one way I'd like to find a creative solution to meeting our family's needs and yet being more Earth-friendly.
Housing is another consideration. Our family is in discussion about the 'new house' on the 5 acres. We all agree we want to live on the 5 acres. But the size of the new house varies widely. I would build a small (maybe 800 sq ft) cob cottage for our family, off-grid or at least with some sort of alternative energy source), composting toilet, etc., etc. Others who-shall-remain-nameless want a stick-frame, 3000 sq ft house, complete with games room, media room and 'band room' as well as ample storage, etc., etc.
it's ds's birthday coming up and relatives ask what he'd like for gifts. I can't bring myself to say "more toys!" with enthusiasm the way he says when i ask him what he wants. He thinks he's going to save up and buy himself a Wii this year. Good grief, I hope not. I am the family media resister. I didn't want the Nintendo DS; now we have 4. FOUR of the damn things. And something like 30 games. WTH?!? WHY?!? I didn't want a tv. We have a 13" tv upstairs that never gets used and a massive flat-screen thing downstairs that my parents bestowed on us when they bought an even larger behemoth. My cob house wouldn't have a tv. :P
So for gift ideas I have been thinking of experiences. Things he could do that would create memories. he really enjoyed WildPlay last month - the Monkido aerial adventure course (although i think it also scared the daylights out of him at times). A bucket of golf balls for the driving range. A round of minigolf. a round for the go-karts (although i have a hard time reconciling the fuel). a trailride for a horse place. or an archery set. experiences. a gift of time spent with a friend would be so much more valuable to him than a box of Lego, and he knows it. I beseech family to find ways to creatively express their love for my son, to share in the celebration of his day of birth, in a way that is in alignment with our values.
This is where I was on Sunday night - trying to reframe, to redefine, creativity in my life. Trying to see other expressions of creativity as equally valuable to the one I value most. And I see how my attachment to one definition is limiting and not at all helpful in moving forward.
I struggled with reconciling how I actually live with the ideals I have for my life. I don't want to consume exorbitant quantities of material things in my life. My needs could be met with such a simpler existence. I struggle because I could run off and live this simpler life right now, but as dh points out, he wouldn't be happy in my 800-sq ft off-grid cob cottage, so I'd be living alone in it (plus, as an Aquarian, he doesn't think I'd ever really finish it - after all, the *process* of building it would be more *valued* than the finished house, right? LOL). For me, it would be a life truly in alignment with the values I hold so dearly. For him, it would be too much.
Every moment I make a choice to remain in relationship because more than living a life in alignment with my own values I value a life in relationship. Being in relationship, continually being asked to grow as a person, to come together in Love, has brought me such growth already in this lifetime. And while I *think* I'd really like to live in my little cob house that lies in my imagination, I want to live in it *with* him... and I want him to *want* to live in it. It's not enough for me to force him into life changes before he's ready. Like eating raw, or even just eating vegan. It's not something I'm comfortable forcing on other members of my family. They need to want to make that change for themselves. I am here, supporting them wherever they are on their own journies.
I trust that things will work out as they are meant to. Whether that means I will ever actually build the cob house and live in it, I do not know. I do know that things are, even when in times of confusion and struggle, as they are meant to be. I trust.
So although I haven't come to any wise conclusions, it was really helpful to break my mind open a little and at least discuss what's eating away at me and how I'm creating suffering in my own mind.
If you have any insights on how I can redefine my perception of creativity, I'd *GREATLY* appreciate it. Drop me a comment. ;)
What i realized was that (and this was a huge aha moment for me) i value creativity. specifically, i realized that i value the PROCESS of creating moreso than the RESULT of the creative spirit. The process of creating. I am still trying to sort through this as it has a huge impact on how i view situations in my life.
In essence, I value the journey moreso than the destination.
I also think that the highest expression of creativity is in creating life. This could be in nurturing seeds to grow, in caring for animals and other beings, in caring for the Earth, in growing and being with children. For me, i just don't get the same kind of pleasure out of painting a picture or singing a song that i do out of watching a seed sprout through the earth or being in the presence of an infant of any species. i have difficulty seeing the Creator in the process of painting more than i do in the more-obvious (for me) birth of a seedling.
I am acutely aware that I am not the creator of life (little 'i', i mean... ego). No, I realize that the spark of life is something so much greater than my little ego could ever come up with. i've never really seen myself as a creative person, and yet, i see how the highest expression of creativity in my life so far has been in growing and birthing my children.
And now they are coming of an age where they just aren't dependent upon me the way they were when they were infants (it's been a gradual weaning for me, letting them have increasing independency, and naturally, it continues). Maybe it's a delayed post-partum depression, maybe it's a natural thing to grieve their increasing independence, while at the same time, really appreciating it, too.
It's a natural thing, this letting go, this growing up. And yet it can be so darned painful, too. I see how attached I am to the role of Mama. So darned attached to being in their presence. And I am struggling to accept that attachment. It's not that I don't want it to be that way. It's that part of me doesn't want them growing up so fast, I guess.
This is the part in some mothers' lives where they seek out that connection elsewhere. Of course I know plenty of mothers who are all-too-happy to see their children grow up. Can't stand the dependency of infants and toddlers.
Intellectually, I know we're not having more children in our family. Emotionally, I'd like to continually renegotiate, but it's simply not being brought to the table for discussion. And being that I am attached to the view that creativity in its highest expression is the creation of life (and I see how attached I am to that view and how it's creating suffering in this case), I'm really really struggling with redefining how I see myself as creative in life. How can I express my creativity in other ways and (this is important) see it as equally valuable?
I thought about farming. Yes, growing food for my own family is huge for me. I look forward to the day when we live on the 5 acres and I have the field in full production. I can't wait. But I also know how much commitment, how much time and energy on an ongoing basis the production of food for my family will be. But otoh, I also know that it is something I value tremendously. But I hesitate to embrace it with the same enthusiasm that I embarked upon motherhood with. Maybe because the plants will need the same dependent care season after season. They won't grow up once like the children. (the devious side of my brain says it's because farming's not as enjoyable as sex - LMAO! i have a long way to go towards purity of thought)
I thought about living a simpler lifestyle. I have been increasingly concerned with our consumptive materialistic lifestyle, and it weighs heavier and heavier on me daily. I hate that I am driving an SUV 40,000 kms a year. This is insane. I discuss it with the kids regularly - how if we lived closer to town we could bike to classes or the farmer's market. We agree that if we had to bike to places we'd go out less often, for sure (the 5 acres is still 9 or 10 kms from town one way and 15 kms to the town we are currently closest to, which is 23 kms from our house on a very winding, not bike-friendly road, which is why we don't currently bike to town). So transportation is one thing on my mind, one way I'd like to find a creative solution to meeting our family's needs and yet being more Earth-friendly.
Housing is another consideration. Our family is in discussion about the 'new house' on the 5 acres. We all agree we want to live on the 5 acres. But the size of the new house varies widely. I would build a small (maybe 800 sq ft) cob cottage for our family, off-grid or at least with some sort of alternative energy source), composting toilet, etc., etc. Others who-shall-remain-nameless want a stick-frame, 3000 sq ft house, complete with games room, media room and 'band room' as well as ample storage, etc., etc.
it's ds's birthday coming up and relatives ask what he'd like for gifts. I can't bring myself to say "more toys!" with enthusiasm the way he says when i ask him what he wants. He thinks he's going to save up and buy himself a Wii this year. Good grief, I hope not. I am the family media resister. I didn't want the Nintendo DS; now we have 4. FOUR of the damn things. And something like 30 games. WTH?!? WHY?!? I didn't want a tv. We have a 13" tv upstairs that never gets used and a massive flat-screen thing downstairs that my parents bestowed on us when they bought an even larger behemoth. My cob house wouldn't have a tv. :P
So for gift ideas I have been thinking of experiences. Things he could do that would create memories. he really enjoyed WildPlay last month - the Monkido aerial adventure course (although i think it also scared the daylights out of him at times). A bucket of golf balls for the driving range. A round of minigolf. a round for the go-karts (although i have a hard time reconciling the fuel). a trailride for a horse place. or an archery set. experiences. a gift of time spent with a friend would be so much more valuable to him than a box of Lego, and he knows it. I beseech family to find ways to creatively express their love for my son, to share in the celebration of his day of birth, in a way that is in alignment with our values.
This is where I was on Sunday night - trying to reframe, to redefine, creativity in my life. Trying to see other expressions of creativity as equally valuable to the one I value most. And I see how my attachment to one definition is limiting and not at all helpful in moving forward.
I struggled with reconciling how I actually live with the ideals I have for my life. I don't want to consume exorbitant quantities of material things in my life. My needs could be met with such a simpler existence. I struggle because I could run off and live this simpler life right now, but as dh points out, he wouldn't be happy in my 800-sq ft off-grid cob cottage, so I'd be living alone in it (plus, as an Aquarian, he doesn't think I'd ever really finish it - after all, the *process* of building it would be more *valued* than the finished house, right? LOL). For me, it would be a life truly in alignment with the values I hold so dearly. For him, it would be too much.
Every moment I make a choice to remain in relationship because more than living a life in alignment with my own values I value a life in relationship. Being in relationship, continually being asked to grow as a person, to come together in Love, has brought me such growth already in this lifetime. And while I *think* I'd really like to live in my little cob house that lies in my imagination, I want to live in it *with* him... and I want him to *want* to live in it. It's not enough for me to force him into life changes before he's ready. Like eating raw, or even just eating vegan. It's not something I'm comfortable forcing on other members of my family. They need to want to make that change for themselves. I am here, supporting them wherever they are on their own journies.
I trust that things will work out as they are meant to. Whether that means I will ever actually build the cob house and live in it, I do not know. I do know that things are, even when in times of confusion and struggle, as they are meant to be. I trust.
So although I haven't come to any wise conclusions, it was really helpful to break my mind open a little and at least discuss what's eating away at me and how I'm creating suffering in my own mind.
If you have any insights on how I can redefine my perception of creativity, I'd *GREATLY* appreciate it. Drop me a comment. ;)
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