wow. sunday night was like a huge lightning storm in my consciousness. i had this major meltdown, wondering what life was for, wondering where we (as humans and as individuals) are headed... just generally really emotionally volatile.
What i realized was that (and this was a huge aha moment for me) i value creativity. specifically, i realized that i value the PROCESS of creating moreso than the RESULT of the creative spirit. The process of creating. I am still trying to sort through this as it has a huge impact on how i view situations in my life.
In essence, I value the journey moreso than the destination.
I also think that the highest expression of creativity is in creating life. This could be in nurturing seeds to grow, in caring for animals and other beings, in caring for the Earth, in growing and being with children. For me, i just don't get the same kind of pleasure out of painting a picture or singing a song that i do out of watching a seed sprout through the earth or being in the presence of an infant of any species. i have difficulty seeing the Creator in the process of painting more than i do in the more-obvious (for me) birth of a seedling.
I am acutely aware that I am not the creator of life (little 'i', i mean... ego). No, I realize that the spark of life is something so much greater than my little ego could ever come up with. i've never really seen myself as a creative person, and yet, i see how the highest expression of creativity in my life so far has been in growing and birthing my children.
And now they are coming of an age where they just aren't dependent upon me the way they were when they were infants (it's been a gradual weaning for me, letting them have increasing independency, and naturally, it continues). Maybe it's a delayed post-partum depression, maybe it's a natural thing to grieve their increasing independence, while at the same time, really appreciating it, too.
It's a natural thing, this letting go, this growing up. And yet it can be so darned painful, too. I see how attached I am to the role of Mama. So darned attached to being in their presence. And I am struggling to accept that attachment. It's not that I don't want it to be that way. It's that part of me doesn't want them growing up so fast, I guess.
This is the part in some mothers' lives where they seek out that connection elsewhere. Of course I know plenty of mothers who are all-too-happy to see their children grow up. Can't stand the dependency of infants and toddlers.
Intellectually, I know we're not having more children in our family. Emotionally, I'd like to continually renegotiate, but it's simply not being brought to the table for discussion. And being that I am attached to the view that creativity in its highest expression is the creation of life (and I see how attached I am to that view and how it's creating suffering in this case), I'm really really struggling with redefining how I see myself as creative in life. How can I express my creativity in other ways and (this is important) see it as equally valuable?
I thought about farming. Yes, growing food for my own family is huge for me. I look forward to the day when we live on the 5 acres and I have the field in full production. I can't wait. But I also know how much commitment, how much time and energy on an ongoing basis the production of food for my family will be. But otoh, I also know that it is something I value tremendously. But I hesitate to embrace it with the same enthusiasm that I embarked upon motherhood with. Maybe because the plants will need the same dependent care season after season. They won't grow up once like the children. (the devious side of my brain says it's because farming's not as enjoyable as sex - LMAO! i have a long way to go towards purity of thought)
I thought about living a simpler lifestyle. I have been increasingly concerned with our consumptive materialistic lifestyle, and it weighs heavier and heavier on me daily. I hate that I am driving an SUV 40,000 kms a year. This is insane. I discuss it with the kids regularly - how if we lived closer to town we could bike to classes or the farmer's market. We agree that if we had to bike to places we'd go out less often, for sure (the 5 acres is still 9 or 10 kms from town one way and 15 kms to the town we are currently closest to, which is 23 kms from our house on a very winding, not bike-friendly road, which is why we don't currently bike to town). So transportation is one thing on my mind, one way I'd like to find a creative solution to meeting our family's needs and yet being more Earth-friendly.
Housing is another consideration. Our family is in discussion about the 'new house' on the 5 acres. We all agree we want to live on the 5 acres. But the size of the new house varies widely. I would build a small (maybe 800 sq ft) cob cottage for our family, off-grid or at least with some sort of alternative energy source), composting toilet, etc., etc. Others who-shall-remain-nameless want a stick-frame, 3000 sq ft house, complete with games room, media room and 'band room' as well as ample storage, etc., etc.
it's ds's birthday coming up and relatives ask what he'd like for gifts. I can't bring myself to say "more toys!" with enthusiasm the way he says when i ask him what he wants. He thinks he's going to save up and buy himself a Wii this year. Good grief, I hope not. I am the family media resister. I didn't want the Nintendo DS; now we have 4. FOUR of the damn things. And something like 30 games. WTH?!? WHY?!? I didn't want a tv. We have a 13" tv upstairs that never gets used and a massive flat-screen thing downstairs that my parents bestowed on us when they bought an even larger behemoth. My cob house wouldn't have a tv. :P
So for gift ideas I have been thinking of experiences. Things he could do that would create memories. he really enjoyed WildPlay last month - the Monkido aerial adventure course (although i think it also scared the daylights out of him at times). A bucket of golf balls for the driving range. A round of minigolf. a round for the go-karts (although i have a hard time reconciling the fuel). a trailride for a horse place. or an archery set. experiences. a gift of time spent with a friend would be so much more valuable to him than a box of Lego, and he knows it. I beseech family to find ways to creatively express their love for my son, to share in the celebration of his day of birth, in a way that is in alignment with our values.
This is where I was on Sunday night - trying to reframe, to redefine, creativity in my life. Trying to see other expressions of creativity as equally valuable to the one I value most. And I see how my attachment to one definition is limiting and not at all helpful in moving forward.
I struggled with reconciling how I actually live with the ideals I have for my life. I don't want to consume exorbitant quantities of material things in my life. My needs could be met with such a simpler existence. I struggle because I could run off and live this simpler life right now, but as dh points out, he wouldn't be happy in my 800-sq ft off-grid cob cottage, so I'd be living alone in it (plus, as an Aquarian, he doesn't think I'd ever really finish it - after all, the *process* of building it would be more *valued* than the finished house, right? LOL). For me, it would be a life truly in alignment with the values I hold so dearly. For him, it would be too much.
Every moment I make a choice to remain in relationship because more than living a life in alignment with my own values I value a life in relationship. Being in relationship, continually being asked to grow as a person, to come together in Love, has brought me such growth already in this lifetime. And while I *think* I'd really like to live in my little cob house that lies in my imagination, I want to live in it *with* him... and I want him to *want* to live in it. It's not enough for me to force him into life changes before he's ready. Like eating raw, or even just eating vegan. It's not something I'm comfortable forcing on other members of my family. They need to want to make that change for themselves. I am here, supporting them wherever they are on their own journies.
I trust that things will work out as they are meant to. Whether that means I will ever actually build the cob house and live in it, I do not know. I do know that things are, even when in times of confusion and struggle, as they are meant to be. I trust.
So although I haven't come to any wise conclusions, it was really helpful to break my mind open a little and at least discuss what's eating away at me and how I'm creating suffering in my own mind.
If you have any insights on how I can redefine my perception of creativity, I'd *GREATLY* appreciate it. Drop me a comment. ;)
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