January wrap-up

17 posts for January. 17's my favourite number. dh's, too. (odd, i know; i mean, of all the numbers out there...)

So the weekend went terrifically well. I have to say the tai chi workshop was beyond belief. I am probably the one who will go on and on about it for years to come. I realized I felt so *safe* at this workshop, something I haven't felt at previous workshops. I've felt vulnerable before. And even this one, there were moments when I really felt raw and exposed and vulnerable, and I had to just let it be that way. I felt the support of those around me, felt the *LOVE* and like I said earlier, stillness... and it was a profound and moving experience, this workshop. There was some emotional releasing going on and that was insane. It's brought my tai chi to this incredibly sensitive and spiritual place. I feel so much more open in my lower back. It was (is still!) as though my bones were doing the work, not my muscles. Once everything was lined up right, the movements were effortless but so so graceful. Everything moved as One.

It probably helped tremendously that the past two weeks I've been exercising just about daily, and that I've been trying to eat as consciously as I can. I have been nurturing my health on a daily basis and went into this workshop with a one-word mantra: soft. I wanted everything about me to be soft, as in not having a harsh edge. Very effective. ;) I had this conversation with my ego going on, letting it know it could just rest, that no harm would come to me or my ego by sitting this one out. Release. Release. Release. Continually releasing the ego, releasing the illusion of separateness, of isolation. Continually (actively) reconnecting with the Divine within, with the Divine around... it really had to be a conscious effort. I think this weekend has affected me on a really incredibly deep level... I *hope* that people in my life find I have softened through this experience.

So between the blissing out on the tai chi and the softness and emotional releasing (which I just want to say is never easy), it was an all-round amazing weekend. I hope I'm able to maintain this level and even go deeper in the future... releasing more, opening up, being soft and compassionate and a full expression of Love in every moment.

Today I moved 10 wheelbarrows of dirt (uh oh, here she goes again - moving dirt, for one thing, and listing all the tasks accomplished today, LOL - bad habit! bad habit!), played on the swings with the kids, talked to the chickens a bit, and enjoyed the nippy January sunshine. dd went to tap class, we went to the bottle depot, picked up dog food, ds went to aikido, i made some raw food deliveries, took the dog to the dog park in town, picked up some frozen berries and fresh organic oranges (which are *SO* good!), borrowed my f-i-l's scotch broom puller and then home. Tomorrow's an equally busy day so I'd best head now but thank-you for checking in and sharing my life with me. It's a pleasure to have you here! :D

Saturday

I'm attending a tai chi workshop this weekend... a couple hours Friday night, a long 12 hour day on Saturday and another 6 hours on Sunday... Yesterday (Saturday) was incredible. There are ~80 participants. It is quite something to do tai chi as a group, especially a group this large. The group energy really becomes apparent when you're all moving as one. I've never done anything synchronized (like synchro swimming or ice-skating) but it seems to me that it would be the same sense... this moving as one as a group, not individually. Hard to explain. But very deeply moving.

So the day went fantastically well... I was finding that place to 'drop' and 'sit' and my tai chi was improving (or at least I felt it was) over the morning and afternoon. I was so ecstatic I wanted to shout with glee from mountain tops, as I've been searching for the past 18 months for that 'drop', and I finally felt I'd found it. It was relaxing... there was no tension in my body, in my muscles or back... and I really felt like I could continue for a long time doing the movements. Every once in a while my knee would let me know it was still injured, but then I'd let it go and get back to that place of stillness. It was really a profound afternoon to repeatedly get to that place of stillness over and over.

But do you think I could do it in the evening?!? (aargh)

Yesterday was a great food day - I made very conscious eating decisions all day (highly unusual for me to do that throughout the day; usually at some point I just start eating unconsciously for a few minutes)... I took my Borage Oil and Fo-Ti in the morning, along with an acidophilus and DHA... Later in the morning I had 1L of smoothie and then at lunch I had another L of smoothie and 1/2c of sprouted trail mix. For a snack in the afternoon I had half an orange and half a banana and a few carrot and celery sticks. And for dinner, I went to the raw food cafe for dinner and enjoyed a raw pizza (sundried tomato marinara, spinach, red pepper, fresh pineapple, and chili-lime pistachios!) and cup of butternut squash soup... and a wild blueberry truffle. ;) When I got home, I took some more borage oil and fo-ti and had a banana and that, for me, was a great food day. Not only because I ate 100% raw but moreso that I was able to refrain from eating unconsciously.

I even rowed 5 kms before going to the workshop yesterday morning. And I enjoyed a nice hot salt and baking soda bath last night. Really, a GREAT day!!!

But now I see it's time for me to get going... I hope you have a wonderful day and I'll let you know how the rest of the workshop goes!

Namaste'

Balance

Another hs'ing mama posted on a list about finding balance in our lives... she's got 3 children and is out 5 afternoons and then again 5 evenings a week with different activities between the 5 family members. She lamented that she just can't find a groove, wanting to be there to support each of her children individually, to cook homemade meals, to get the household upkeep done, to be able to have time for strengthening the relationship with her partner... all that kind of stuff. And where does any 'me' time come into this?!?

I've been told how lucky I am as a stay-at-home mom - how much freedom I have in choosing how I want to spend my time. I know we all have 24 hours a day - no one has more time than anyone else - but some days the time really does fly by. It's somewhat bewildering, that "freedom".

I think the image people have of stay-at-home parents is that they have no responsibilities. Seriously. Like, if I had no responsibilities and were a stay-at-home parent (independently wealthy, perhaps?), I'd have a housecleaner come in twice a week and clean the house. (or maybe even daily!). I'd have a landscaper come and do the yardwork, and a general contractor I could call for house maintenance (no more cleaning gutters or brushing out the chimney!). I'd have a nanny for each of the children, one who could take them to their classes, to any health appointments they had (doctor, dentist, etc.). Oh, and while we're at it, why not a cook so I didn't have to lift a finger in the kitchen.

I mean, COME ON. Get REAL!!! That's not the life I *WANT*!!! (and it's certainly not the life I have, LMAO) I'm just sayin', that when people envision my life as a stay-at-home parent, they think I have complete freedom over my time, and admittedly, yes, I can choose which of those tasks I will focus my attention on in this moment (be it housework, yard maintenance, or even (not that this is a task, but...) spending quality and quantity time with my children, building a beautiful relationship with them). But to think I have complete freedom... like, I could spend the day surfing the internet (uninterrupted)... or go to the gym with a personal trainer... or a day at the spa, and then getting my hair done after... or even to go *gasp* shopping for a clothing item for my own self. *GASP* Maybe even lunch out with the girlfriends on a regular basis. To think I have freedom like *that*, well, tsk tsk... not so, not so.

Oh, the sacrifices!!! Yep, I'm sacrificing days of shopping, having well-coiffed hair and painted fake nails for a stronger relationship with my awesome children, while living in a... well, not filthy, but not white-glove clean either... house. Comfortably untidy and, even admittedly, tolerably dirty.

Balance? Well, I think it's a matter of one's outlook on the situation. I have come to terms with the fact that not everything will always be in its place in the house. The house will likely never be as clean as the house I was raised in (my mother vaccumed and dusted daily, people!). Our yard will likely be permanently in a state of "not anywhere near finished" (the garden a work of continually changing neglect - *ahem*, I mean art). The housework will always be piling up. My hair will never be well-coiffed, and my nails (because I'm the one who does the firewood) will never be anything other than short. My clothes will be in a near-permanent state of disrepair (for the foreseeable future, anyways)... stained and unfashionable. There will be days when the children fend for themselves in the kitchen... creating recipes like "peanut butter crunchies" that dd was so very proud of (bread, peanut butter, and a handful of whatever cereal you have for topping, rolled up into a 'jelly roll' like shape, in case you wanted to try it). Likely, not every meal will be organic, local, and homemade, among other lofty, but valiant and worthy goals I have. That cross-stitch I've been working on for over a decade may take another decade to finish. But at the end of the day...

I'M OKAY WITH ALL OF THIS!!!!

I've really had to let go. To surrender to just *being* in the moment. And this moment of things-not-done is PERFECT. It is just so perfect. It's okay that dh works in another city and commutes ridiculously. It's okay that the house (after more than a decade) remains unfinished. It's okay that my body is not some ideal of perfection I have in my head. IT IS WHAT IT IS and I'M OKAY WITH IT!!!

Letting go.
Surrender.
Sanity.
Happiness.
Around here, one leads to another. :D

Wednesday

All good here... nothing major to report. I've been exercising regularly (I've done cardio 7 of the last 8 days as well as 4 tai chi classes) and keeping a food log, and things are good there... (i'd actually forgotten how *good* i feel after exercising. like, really, really good mentally. i'm holding onto that feeling to motivate me to return to the rowing machine each day as i'm not quite in the mindspace yet where i wake up overjoyed to get to exercise just yet... hoping that comes with time. (laughs)) really, it *is* a huge blessing to be healthy and have the ability to move our bodies - dancing, jumping on the trampoline, riding bikes, walking, rowing... even chopping firewood. *BLESSED* with this healthy, loving, and loved body.

The monthly raw food order has arrived and I'm in the process of getting it delivered... the dried organic pineapple is... scrumptious. i ate several handfuls this morning; it was like tropical 'gum' it was so chewy. lol

The roofers are coming in the morning to replace the shingles on the dormer above our ensuite and master bedroom that have been leaking for (quite) a while. Hoping it's sunny or at least not raining tomorrow. ;)

All in all, everything's grand. :D

And you?

Odours

I've come to realize how, after cooking a meal (especially meat, which dh & dd still eat, and yes, that generally I end up cooking), the smells, the odours are seeped into my clothing. An hour or more later I'll go outside, and return into the house and instantly I'm aware of what was cooked. Fish. Meat. Pasta. Baked goods. The odours linger. Even juicing wheatgrass produces a lingering odour... although I confess I love that smell... the fresh-cut grass smell. To me it smells *clean*. (dh does NOT agree, lol) But honestly? I'm enjoying the other lingering odours less and less. As much as I try to prepare food for my family (whatever it is they choose to eat) with love and mindfulness, it's getting harder and harder to do when it's those very things I've removed from my own diet. Sure, the house will never be odourless, but why oh why do I have to go around smelling like bacon?!? :P Ugh. (it's not just my clothes, it gets into my hair, and the lingering odours in the house generally make me really uncomfortable...)

i'm getting much better about asking dh to cook the meat that he & dd will be having (and he's getting much better offering to cook it himself before i even ask). i'm just so not interested in supporting that... the purchase and consumption of meat products. i can even tell if someone close to me (in proximity) has eaten meat. i never thought i'd be able to tell, but (for example), if sitting or standing next to someone (like in a line-up or on the bus), i can often tell how 'clean' their diet is. odours ooze out of our pores and we're generally completely unaware.

and furthermore, (rant rant rant, lol) I'll have you know (and this may be wayyyyyyy tmi for some) that when you eat a primarily raw vegan diet (high raw, all vegan, organic, etc., etc.), I'll have you know that your bm's will be *significantly* less odiferous. seriously. so if that's not a reason to drop the meat and dairy, well... then i guess i'm speechless. LOL

In the end, i don't want to be pushing my raw vegan choices on anyone, so i end up sitting in meditation, releasing (with *love*) my thoughts and judgments around my family's food choices... to each their own, right? i can live happily alongside the ardent omnivore. i can share with them why i love my raw vegan food... enthusiastically, but without pushing raw veganism down their throats. Maybe one day they'll choose it on their own! :D

Today's nourishment:

• a banana
• 1/2 a piece of whole wheat toast and 1/4 of a baked potato
• 1c chia pudding (made with almond milk)
• 2 cups of nettle tea with stevia
• a cup of kyoto cherry green tea with (too much) stevia
• 2 cups of my 'homebrew' black cherry kombucha (effervescent!)
• 2L of green smoothie (green leaf lettuce, bananas, frozen berries (blue, black and rasp), maca powder, chlorella, spirulina, acai powder, hemp seeds, ground flax seeds, kelp flakes, soaked goji berries, almond milk, agave)
• a small handful of goldenberries and a handful of soaked/sprouted almonds
• Fo-Ti 2x, Borage Oil 2x, 2 vege-DHA capsules and 1 double-strength acidophilus (vege-cap)
• and water, of course...

And 5 consecutive days of daily exercise! yeeeeeeeehaaawwwww!

Saturday

Started the day with some quiet meditative time (*bliss*) and half an hour of tai chi. Then while dd was at her ballet class this morning (which is held at a rec ctr) I did half an hour on the rowing machine there. It felt great to get it done early in the day, and although I never seem to want to sit down and exercise, I always feel better for having done it. Ain't that always the way, LOL!

OH! And my first batch of kombucha was put into jars today and wow oH WOW!!!! It is Deeeeeeeelicious!!! (Even dd thought it was alright! LOL) I added 2T of Knudsen's black cherry juice to each jar, which made it very very good. I have 6 x 500ml jars in the fridge, and another batch of kombucha already started! Very exciting!!! :D

We picked up a seed catalogue (for West Coast Seeds) at the garden store and oh my - the remaining fruit trees were 50% off! WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!! (I really shouldn't be allowed in garden centres, LOL) So we came home with a dwarf nectarine (one of my FAVOURITE fruits), a Montmorency Cherry (my daughter's favourite), and a Fuyu Persimmon (have you ever had raw persimmon 'cheesecake'?!? mmm mmm good). I *may* return and pick up a Quince tree. Oh, and about 8 packets of seeds... mostly leafy greens. ;) Now I'm sitting here, drooling over the seed catalogue. I'm such a poorly-organized gardener, though. I just throw seeds in and hope for the best, send them Reiki, but really don't come back to tend to them often enough. I'm a social gardener. I prefer gardening with someone. Someone to talk to, chat with... (ya, I know. I'm an introvert, for sure, and here I want to garden *with* someone?!? confusing, I know.) It's true, though. And I guess I need to spend more time *planning* the garden out - the crop rotations, and when to seed and that kinda thing. But truly, I'd love to have a beautiful, productive garden each year. I just don't spend enough time in it at the moment, building it, caring for it. Me bad. :P

So for now, I'm just drooling over the catalogue, dreaming that I'll get my act together enough to make it all happen (and stop being such an Aquarian, thinking far into the future and instead needing to focus on the baby steps I'll need to take to create that future)...

Happily dreaming of green thumbs and garden plots!!!
~n~

Re-activating Activity ;)

Things are great around here. I (finally!) got back into rowing the past few days... nothing too major, 5 kms on the indoor rower each day (takes about 25 minutes - it's equivalent in time to running (if you're conditioned, lol))... burns about 275 calories. When I first went vegan, nearly 5 years ago, I jumped into rowing 10 kms a day, and gradually over that first year it eeked up to 12 kms a day, with a goal of 333kms a month. That was a LOT! But, the benefits of regular exercise were obvious. Then I went off rowing for a while as I fasted for 45 days. I finished fasting and went right back into rowing regularly, 5 kms a day. I managed to do that for quite some time, then when I went into a fast in Sept 2009 I stopped rowing for the 30 days I fasted. I never quite got back into rowing after that. The past year I've started and stopped several times. It can be hard to get into a routine of regular exercise, hard to make your health a priority in your life. I mean, we all have busy busy lives. You really have to make TIME for regular exercise, and there's so many other things that need to be done, right?

I think one thing that's inspired me to get moving again is the ill health of two older family members recently. Made me rethink how I've been taking my health for granted.

That, and I can't fit into any of the clothes I'd *like* to be wearing right now. LMAO

Ya, not exercising regularly for 16 months isn't good for my waistline. :P So I'm back at it. Baby steps. Committing to that half hour of rowing every day (because it's something I can do whatever the weather)...

And I went to the evening tai chi class, morning class another day, and taught 2 classes this week as the beginner classes start up again.

So I'm getting active again. I realize the weight I've put on has been over the past 15 months and I don't expect it to come off in 30 days or less. It's just going to take some time and focus.

As far as eating goes, things are alright, although I feel like I'm eating too much still. Here's what I ate today:

• 2 bananas
• 6 ribs celery with ~4T sprouted org almond butter and a handful of raisins
• 1/2c of goldenberries (mmmmmm i love those) and a small handful of purple mulberries
• 1c almond milk-chia pudding
• a cup of nettle tea with stevia
• a macadamia-cashew raw truffle and a small piece of raisin nut fudge with coconut topping
• 1.5L of smoothie (2 bananas, ~4c frozen berries, 1T chlorella, 1/2T spirulina, 1T maca, 1/4t kelp flakes, 2T raw agave, a handful of soaked goji berries & soaking water, 1T fresh bee pollen, 1T hemp seeds, 2T freshly ground flax, 1t acai powder)
• a (vegan) baking soda biscuit the kids made
• Supplements: weekly B12 sublingual (1000 mcg once a week), one acidophilus, 2 vege-dha capsules, and the fo-ti and borage oil I'm currently taking.

I'm reading a book on disordered eating (as opposed to eating disorders)... and I'd hazard a guess that most people have a slightly to severe dysfunctional relationship towards food - where eating is entwined with social expectations, emotions, and so much else, and not just for nourishment, for fuel. Anyways it's an interesting read and I'm hoping I'll be able to gain some insights into my own relationship with food and how I can peel some layers off of that and rebuild a healthier foundation.

Namaste'