Balance

Another hs'ing mama posted on a list about finding balance in our lives... she's got 3 children and is out 5 afternoons and then again 5 evenings a week with different activities between the 5 family members. She lamented that she just can't find a groove, wanting to be there to support each of her children individually, to cook homemade meals, to get the household upkeep done, to be able to have time for strengthening the relationship with her partner... all that kind of stuff. And where does any 'me' time come into this?!?

I've been told how lucky I am as a stay-at-home mom - how much freedom I have in choosing how I want to spend my time. I know we all have 24 hours a day - no one has more time than anyone else - but some days the time really does fly by. It's somewhat bewildering, that "freedom".

I think the image people have of stay-at-home parents is that they have no responsibilities. Seriously. Like, if I had no responsibilities and were a stay-at-home parent (independently wealthy, perhaps?), I'd have a housecleaner come in twice a week and clean the house. (or maybe even daily!). I'd have a landscaper come and do the yardwork, and a general contractor I could call for house maintenance (no more cleaning gutters or brushing out the chimney!). I'd have a nanny for each of the children, one who could take them to their classes, to any health appointments they had (doctor, dentist, etc.). Oh, and while we're at it, why not a cook so I didn't have to lift a finger in the kitchen.

I mean, COME ON. Get REAL!!! That's not the life I *WANT*!!! (and it's certainly not the life I have, LMAO) I'm just sayin', that when people envision my life as a stay-at-home parent, they think I have complete freedom over my time, and admittedly, yes, I can choose which of those tasks I will focus my attention on in this moment (be it housework, yard maintenance, or even (not that this is a task, but...) spending quality and quantity time with my children, building a beautiful relationship with them). But to think I have complete freedom... like, I could spend the day surfing the internet (uninterrupted)... or go to the gym with a personal trainer... or a day at the spa, and then getting my hair done after... or even to go *gasp* shopping for a clothing item for my own self. *GASP* Maybe even lunch out with the girlfriends on a regular basis. To think I have freedom like *that*, well, tsk tsk... not so, not so.

Oh, the sacrifices!!! Yep, I'm sacrificing days of shopping, having well-coiffed hair and painted fake nails for a stronger relationship with my awesome children, while living in a... well, not filthy, but not white-glove clean either... house. Comfortably untidy and, even admittedly, tolerably dirty.

Balance? Well, I think it's a matter of one's outlook on the situation. I have come to terms with the fact that not everything will always be in its place in the house. The house will likely never be as clean as the house I was raised in (my mother vaccumed and dusted daily, people!). Our yard will likely be permanently in a state of "not anywhere near finished" (the garden a work of continually changing neglect - *ahem*, I mean art). The housework will always be piling up. My hair will never be well-coiffed, and my nails (because I'm the one who does the firewood) will never be anything other than short. My clothes will be in a near-permanent state of disrepair (for the foreseeable future, anyways)... stained and unfashionable. There will be days when the children fend for themselves in the kitchen... creating recipes like "peanut butter crunchies" that dd was so very proud of (bread, peanut butter, and a handful of whatever cereal you have for topping, rolled up into a 'jelly roll' like shape, in case you wanted to try it). Likely, not every meal will be organic, local, and homemade, among other lofty, but valiant and worthy goals I have. That cross-stitch I've been working on for over a decade may take another decade to finish. But at the end of the day...

I'M OKAY WITH ALL OF THIS!!!!

I've really had to let go. To surrender to just *being* in the moment. And this moment of things-not-done is PERFECT. It is just so perfect. It's okay that dh works in another city and commutes ridiculously. It's okay that the house (after more than a decade) remains unfinished. It's okay that my body is not some ideal of perfection I have in my head. IT IS WHAT IT IS and I'M OKAY WITH IT!!!

Letting go.
Surrender.
Sanity.
Happiness.
Around here, one leads to another. :D