If you saw someone you knew who was a recovering addict engaging in their addictive behaviour (alcoholic sitting at a bar swilling a pint, drug user shooting up, and so on), how would that make you feel? Would you act? Would you feel pity, shake your head, and know your well-intentioned words would be wasted? Would you say, "Well, there's always tomorrow." Seriously, how does one handle this situation?
I ask, because the past 11 months now have been my relapse. I just don't know what's going on. I am *mostly* raw but certainly not to the extent I *had* been, not to the extent I *want* to be. My daily exercise habit has become such a struggle. I've put on weight and had two joint injuries. Overall, I feel crappy. very very crappy.
I could go on, but you get the picture. I lack balance and meaningful goals. I'm opting out of living consciously, trying to medicate myself with SAD foods because of the emotional baggage that surfaced during the feast last September. I want to share more, but even here and now, I hold myself back, typing and editing this post repeatedly, wondering how much of myself I dare to share.
Honestly, when am I going to hit that low?!? When will I find it in me to recommit to my health?! What's it gonna take? 'Cuz this SUCKS, this place I've created for myself. It sucks and I've no one to hold responsible but my self... and that in itself is one more reason it sucks so much. (LOL)
Please... just hold me in your thoughts. Send me some loving healing energy if you feel urged to. I will gratefully let my self be supported by your Love. After all, I realize I'm not alone in my sorrow. This whole relapse is so tellingly human. Have you ever had the experience of being held aloft by others' hands? It's humbling. To trust others enough to let yourself be vulnerable in their presence. So here I sit... feeling very vulnerable.
And how did I go from my earlier post below to this... all within one day?!?
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