Learning to Laugh at Oneself

I've had an insightful week, though not without it's difficulties. Ahhh but that's how it works, isn't it - growth through pain, eh.

The pain side - I had PMS. At least, that's what I'm attributing my foul mood to. I no longer have any physical PMS symptoms, it's all emotional psychosis. Yep, psychosis. Some months worse than others, and no, I haven't figured out which months to avoid, LOL. "Could we just skip April this year?" But wow, talk about exploring the depths of despair as Anne Shirley calls it. Sure is deep, let me tell ya. Sad down there, too. And lonely.

The insights though? Like 100w lightbulbs goin' off in your head. Wow, seriously, I come across aloof in conversation sometimes?! SERIOUSLY?! What, like my mom?! Superficial, aloof, not completely caring about what the other person is telling me?!? Well, um, if I'm completely honest with myself, ya, I can see how that might be the case. But geez, here I feel like I'm the most intense, emotionally expressive person ever. I vaguely remember being admonished for being as such as a child, anyways. But not even dh felt I was intense. Maybe he's just used to me. LOL But to be told I come across as aloof? Must be a defence mechanism. I just don't want to get hurt. I realized that in the past decade+ living here, I've only had two very good friends in the neighbourhood, and both have moved away from the neighbourhood. There isn't anyone within walking distance that I can laugh/cry/reveal my soul to. The two friendships I did develop were beyond lovely. They were Divine. I didn't realize at first how I'd missed having a friend just down the block until suddenly she appeared. Then she was gone and I was so lonely. Then a new friend appeared and I remembered how awesome it was. Now she, too, has moved on. But they will remain in my hearts always. Both have been wonderful wonderful friends.

Oh, and I did figure out which months to avoid: the ones when dh is home during the week before my period. Hmph. Months when he's away during that time, the emotional destructiveness I spiral into is minimal. But when he's around? I, for reasons I do not understand, give myself permission to just unleash. And it's not pretty. Somehow we end up rehashing the rehashed, and it ends up in really deep sadness on my part. I'm just holding on soooooo hard to the past, to what will never be. Creating a whole lotta suffering on my part. Why?! WHY?!?!? I do not know. I pray to be released from the suffering. One day I will be ready to release my deathgrip on the past. I'll embrace the present and regain the sparkle and vitality and je-ne-sais-quois I know is lying dormant within. That little kick in my step. That flirtatiousness with life. I'll get it back. I know I will. It's just a matter of time. Time will heal. I'll never forget, but I can learn to embrace forgiveness, and I can move on. (I'm not there yet)

I also realized I've been neglecting my friends. I was feeling like my single friends wouldn't understand, my married friends wouldn't understand... well, I was generally feeling like I had no one to turn to. How wrong I was. Doesn't matter who I talk to, they *all* understand and empathize. They've all been blue. They've all got their own problems in their lives. And they're all more than willing to support me with mine. I *knew* I had the bestest friends in the world. I'd just forgotten to tell them how much they mean to me.

The past couple days, the phone calls and emails from friends have been such a gift. It's given me a chance to express how much their friendship means to me, how wonderfully strong I see them as. Truly, I saw myself as so insignificant and small next to the mighty challenges some have overcome and triumphed over. It meant so much to hear them say they, too, still have challenges and difficulties in their lives. They're human! They cry, they laugh, they emotionally unravel when their moon cycle's approaching... they need supportive friends, too. I was so glad to hear all that. Opening up to them honestly was so cathartic and healing.

I also realized I'm so seriously depressed and withdrawn and reclusive right now. The past six months have been so hard that way. A huge part is I've stopped exercising daily - I try to get back into it - I've tried about four times. I *will* get back into it, I know I will. So I'm just sitting here, gaining weight little by little, wondering when the motivation will kick in. Frankly, I'm starting to scare myself. What the heck am I doing?!?!? WHY can't I just do it already!

Which brings me to my last insight (for tonight anyways): I need goals. I need a vision. SOMETHING to get my focus off the past. I need to really visualize what I want my successful Reiki practice to look like - no, to feeeeeeel like. What's it feel like? What does a successful raw business look like? Coaching, classes, bulk food orders, growing & selling wheatgrass.... including promoting both businesses, how many hours a week am I working? What does it all feel like? And not just about work, but personally - what does my life look like? What am I willing to co-create, right now... because how I live right now is what my life will become in the future. And if I'm just sitting here spinning my wheels, well, I'll tell you right now, that's what I'll be doing a month, six months, two years from now. Stagnating. Spinning. Not moving forward. And when you get to the deepest point of your sorrow, you'll say "enough is enough!" And you'll find that reason to really embrace life.