Communication Skills

I've been thinking lately about the importance of good communication skills. Have you ever experienced conflict or controversy? Do you ever reflect on (and take responsibility for) how you could learn to communicate better?

I like the work of Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication. It is a great (in my opinion) framework for good communication and can be learned and practiced by children. Another good book is Robert Bolton's People Skills (which is recommended by La Leche League). I took a couple Group Behaviour courses when I was at university, which were really helpful in understanding how I behave in groups and in conflict.

I am learning, as I grow through life, to speak mindfully. I try to stay conscious of which thoughts I'm having are judgments and I consciously set them aside. I know that I don't always speak up when I'm feeling stress or conflict in a relationship. (btw, here's a red flag: I read that holding in resentments can actually cause cancer. CANCER, people. Do you see how important it is we learn to communicate well?!) I have a difficult time initiating conflict. Conflict isn't seen as a good thing, most of the time, even though it is such a great opportunity for growth and for a deeper relationship to develop. Often, I'll talk myself out of it - well, that's your opinion, this is mine, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. Is that the ONLY solution? Is it an ACCEPTABLE solution? Often not, and yet, sometimes we're so entrenched in our opinions and judgments that we have a very difficult time seeing (and respecting) others' opinions and working through to an acceptable resolution. (I will ask myself, WHY am I holding on so dearly to this judgment/opinion? Why can't I just let it go? It's an opportunity to examine why we are willing to give this judgment so much energy).

When I was a kid, I was easily overwhelmed by difficult emotions. When I got angry, I'd stomp down the hallway and slam my bedroom door. Eventually my parents took the door off my room as punishment. But that didn't help me sort through my heavy emotions. Then when my dh and I moved in together, when conflict would arise, I'd grab the keys and head for the door. "I just need some time alone," I'd say. But the reality is that when I went for a drive, or a jog around the lake, or just out shopping - whatever your crutch may be - that I'd return all refreshed but still have to deal with the conflict. I'd attempt to sweep it under the rug, but would never actually come back, sit and resolve it. He has helped me see the benefit in talking through these difficult emotions - in giving each other the space to have emotions - no judgments on them. This has been critical for my growth - learning to respect myself and the other person as human beings, and seeing that "I am not my emotions," and that emotions aren't things to be feared - I like to think of them as clouds, passing across a brilliant blue sky (which is more like the truth of who I am, and who you are). No attachment to the emotion - whether it's happiness, sadness, anger. They just drift by. There's no need for me to create drama around them.

Giving others the respect we all want and deserve can be difficult if we're just in a casual interaction. If you're driving down the road and buddy cuts you off, you don't even know who he is, so you figure it's alright to lash out and release some anger on him - you might tailgate or swear or give him the finger. But how does any of that help? When someone cuts me off, I can now say, geez, I didn't feel safe when he did that, but maybe he's on his way to a family emergency, maybe he's having a really hard day; he's not intentionally trying to take it out on me, not intentionally trying to make me feel unsafe. But what if someone IS intentionally trying to infringe upon your boundaries? How do you learn to initiate conflict and resolve it? This is really challenging (for me, anyways), but I do recall reading about it in Rosenberg's work - I should revisit that.

For me, communication skills are so KEY to our growth, both as individuals and within Community. Learning how to interact well with others is so important; it's a wonder why as a society we don't value it more - why isn't it a part of our daily fabric? a part of what we pass along to our children? Something for all of us to mindfully keep working on, always.