A-ha moments

I had rather an a-ha moment this past week in regards to time.

Before I had kids, actually when I was expecting my first, I worked full-time and also was in grad school full-time... right up until my due date. On my due-date I quit working and finished the semester off at school, and as my son was 2 wks late, I had 2 weeks to prepare for his arrival. Once he'd arrived, and I was at home with him full-time, I experienced post-partum depression as I adjusted to motherhood. Reflecting back, I think what I found most debilitating was the freedom of time I now had (which might sound odd, being as I had a newborn to look after). But there was this overwhelming freedom in regards to how I spent my time each day. Up until that moment, my life had been fairly heavily scheduled with activities, and I'd never had this sort of... space. Suddenly my life wasn't ruled by a clock. If I was napping in the afternoon and spent the day in pjs, the world didn't crumble; I'd be up half the night comforting my colicky baby, who apparently didn't have the same rigidity to clock-time I held (LOL he was always living in the moment!). I realized during those first few months, that it doesn't really matter if you don't brush your hair today - you can always do it tomorrow (or just throw it in a ponytail - LOL everyone who knows me knows I always have my hair in one - ackkk!! my secret's out!!! LMAO). It doesn't really matter if you make the bed every day, or do the breakfast dishes as soon as you're done eating. Everything I previously thought had to be done now didn't actually have to be done at all, right that minute. And I found that really overwhelming. People were telling me that as long as I interacted with my son, changed his diapers, nursed him and got rest when he was resting that that was all that needed to be done in these first days of motherhood. I guess I didn't realize that I had been doing SO much prior to his arrival between working and grad school that maybe I had more energy than I could handle (and this was on SAD foods!), and slowing down was more than a little difficult for me. So I found slowing down, being fully present in my life, really REALLY difficult. Truly, a new thing for me.

Now that I've been eating raw, I'm beginning to realize that many people actually have a lot more energy than they are probably aware of. Think about looking at the sun through a foggy haze - you can look at it and see it's spherical shape quite clearly. Then think about when it's a cloudless blue sky and the sun is sooooooo much more brilliant - overwhelmingly brilliant to look at. You turn away, shield your eyes. If you think about the sun as your light energy, as the energy that is your core being, and SAD foods as the fog, you can see that it's actually, in a warped kinda way, easier to be in this fog than it is radiating your brilliance for all to see, all the time. That could be overwhelming, especially if you concern yourself with how others will handle you projecting radiance continuously while they're living in their fogs. Fueling your body with living raw foods is like lifting the veil of fog. I have a clarity of mind that I simply didn't experience when eating SAD foods. This is common, talking to other raw foodies.

This past week, I again began to feel overwhelmed by the unrestricted freedom I have in regards to how I spend my time. I went right back to that head-space where I felt I didn't really need to do the dishes, laundry, daily exercise, personal hygiene.... any of those aren't necessities in this moment. I began to ask myself why do them at all - where's the motivation to do something that doesn't need to be done immediately? THANKFULLY this wallowing in self-pity (and a lack of gratitude for how my basic needs for shelter, security, access to food and water are so completely met that I'm able to contemplate these larger questions in life) didn't last long. LOL Where's the motivation to take care of one's Self? Well, in the long run, you know you're putting money in the personal bank of good health when you look after yourself - brushing your teeth, keeping your body clean, exercising (which has all kinds of stress-busting benefits), fueling your body with nutritious, healthy, healing foods, getting enough rest... it benefits you long-term to do these things.

I was then able to contemplate why or how did I get into this spiral of thinking in the first place? I think it comes back to this unrestricted freedom in how I spend my time. Yes, I *love* having the freedom (it probably sounds otherwise, but really, I do feel blessed), but as Austin Powers says, "Freedom today comes with Responsibility. It's a groovy time, baby, yah." or something like that. It's true. The freedom I am so very blessed with in how I spend my time comes with responsibilities... to care for my children, to care for my self, to ensure our family's needs continue to be met (which is where things like basic housework and house maintenance fall into)... stop right there and I already have a huge to-do list. Which is when I start to feel overwhelmed. So I'm just going to really try to stay present in this moment and remember to do things one at a time.

ohhhhhhhh I just realized what I was doing that got me so overwhelmed in the first place. I was worrying. I'd forgotten my Reiki principle(s):

Just for today, I will not worry.

hmmm.... I'm a work in progress. ;) LOL I guess not worrying is this moment's challenge, along with cultivating an attitude of gratitude. :)

Which then begets the question, why do we choose to live in the future (or the past) and not in this beautiful moment that is our life? When we spend so much time worrying about the future, or angry about the past and how things didn't turn out like we intended, we miss out on this moment. Why do we do that, anyway? It's like we're choosing to avoid the brilliance of light that we truly are... like we don't feel capable of looking at our true nature. It can really be a tough choice to get out of our heads - to let go of the small stuff we sweat over, like whether so-and-so thinks highly of us, or why that jerk cut us off in traffic... and to realize we are ALL so much bigger than any of those worries. It forces us to DREAM BIG. REALLY big. You are SOOOOO much greater than you ever thought possible. So much more brilliant than you dare to realize. (Which is where I start to feel overwhelmed again - being this dazzlingly brilliant behooves me to share it with the world - I have the ability... nay, the responsibility... to really give of myself, to make the world a better place.... I know I am capable of being part of the solution to so many problems, but how, she thinks aloud...)

Something I haven't done in quite a while is a really simple exercise. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Brainstorm and scribble down something. Then do it again: where do you want to be in a year - what do you want your life to look like? Try and get detailed about it. Now how are you going to be that? How are you going to get there? What baby steps could you take today that would get you there? It's all about baby steps. As someone who's made some pretty big changes in life, it's all about keeping it in the present moment. I can have a goal out there, but I need to know how that goal translates into this moment. If I can't make that connection, it's of no use having the goal.

ahhhh, this blogging is so therapeutic!!! another a-ha moment! If my goal in life is to leave the world a better place than when I found it (which is a decent thing to aspire to, in my mind), then I need to make the connection to this moment.... that's where I've been overwhelmed. I'm not going to solve world hunger if I can't make the connection that choosing raw living foods in this moment is part of that solution (and I can SEE that connection so clearly).... but it's remembering WHY we are making the choices we do. I choose to eat raw because it benefits not only me, but my family (through my increased health, as a role model for healthy living), my world at large (less resources used to produce my raw meal than the SAD meal on the plate across from me, for example). Yes, this connection thing between goal in life, or values we hold, and the choices we make in this moment... it's vitally important. If I can't see the value in doing housework or the other things I choose to do with my time, then the motivation will be lacking.

More meditation. More time in meditation is needed to contemplate these aspects of life, more time cultivating gratitude for all that my life has to offer. ;)

Have a fantastic sunshiney day. It's glorious out there. Enjoy it, damn it. LOL