Am I worthy?

Do you ever have moments where you feel inadequate... maybe not quite measuring up in other peoples' eyes... not quite worthy somehow? Do you ever think about sharing yourself with those around you, only to pull back in fear? Something just stops you cold in your tracks.

I'm thinking right now of how often that happens for all of us. I remember when I was a kid... I don't know, maybe 4 or 5. I have been told I have a somewhat LOUD personality... I guess as the middle child of three (within 4 yrs) I was constantly seeking my mother's attention, I don't know (still haven't got it, btw, but that's a whole 'nother post, LOL). Anyways, I was always trying to get noticed, subconsciously or not. And I very vaguely remember laughing in public at something (well, at my grandmother's funeral, for one, but that's when I was 15 or 16... and yes, I got in a LOT of trouble for that - Don't look at me like that! I just started giggling uncontrollably. I honestly couldn't stop myself)... Anyways, when I was 4 or 5, I laughed (at what I can no longer recall), and was told it wasn't appropriate to laugh quite so loudly, so exuberantly. I guess it really sunk in because I started being self-conscious in public... about everything. (I'm sure my sister will deny this vehemently, LOL) Oh sure, I got through growing up just fine, mostly in one piece, not needing too much counselling or psychotherapy (LMAO)... but now I'm at a point in the journey of my life where I spend a lot of time (probably an indecent amount) in self-reflection and personal growth (I'd call myself narcisistic, but you see, when I improve my self, my children benefit b/c I become a better parent and person overall, so I will boldly claim that self-reflection and personal growth are my chosen means of making my children's world a better place... and yes, I'm saying that in all seriousness.)

It came to a head when I went to a weeklong retreat in May of 2003... yes, nearly 6 yrs ago. I was having a massage, and there was a knot in my middle back. The massage therapist asked me what colour it was. Instantly I thought, "Yellow," but in the next instant, I said to myself, but ~n~, yellow is the colour of happiness, you know that... why would you have happiness bottled up inside you in a knot like that? how silly is that. it must be something else. anger, maybe, or sadness... hmmmm, what colours are associated with those emotions... (yes, all of this was going through my mind... literally, in the flash of a second. It still astounds my dh how i can have entire, elaborate conversations in flashes like this, but I do. i constantly have a conversation going on in my head! (isn't that normal?!?) So I blurted out, "Red. It's red." hmmmmmm. She didn't say anything else... just continued on with the massage.

Later, during an accupuncture session, the accupuncurist put one needle in, and I started to feel the chi, the energy, beginning to flow. I got all tingly. Second needle in and I started to giggle, but feeling like this was a completely inappropriate response to accupuncture, I really tried hard to stifle it. "Don't hold back," she said. Third needle and I was on my way to hysterical. I seriously spent the next 45 minutes laughing until I cried. I laughed and laughed that knot out of my back. Nearer to the end of the session the laughter and joy turned to sadness as I uncovered the moment much earlier on in my life when I heard that voice, admonishing me laughing so loud, so out-there, so exuberantly. That's just me. That's how I am. Why have I spent so much of my life trying to be something other people would find acceptable?

Ahhhh, but that's what we all do, isn't it. That's what socialization is all about. We raise our children so that they will be able to fit in... there are certain social norms we're expected to follow, and parenting is, not entirely I'd argue, but certainly somewhat, about making sure our children learn and internalize these largely unspoken norms so that they don't get ostracized or thrown out of the "village" or society we now live in...

I'm learning to love my Self in this moment, to really be compassionate with my self (it's a slow lesson). After all, I have these moments in my past, moments like when I was little and told not to laugh so loudly... we all have moments like that we're harbouring inside.... deep, deep inside. Being able to self-reflect on these moments is really helping purge them... I'm just finding they're holding me back from moving forward in my life. I find that often, I'll think about blogging, about posting something about my life, and then I go, ohhhh, but no one cares about that. Who's going to read it? Seriously. Wait until you have something REAL to share. (I flatter myself that people actually read my blog, lmao). Sometimes I blog, sometimes, I don't. It's an ongoing struggle.

(Maybe I'm speaking to myself here in the second person, but...) Next time you want to blog (or otherwise share yourself with others around you in your life), but you hear a little voice inside you saying, 'oh, but I have nothing important to say... who's going to want to hear about my life right now... it's so blahhhh....' just start typing anyways. I think you're a beautiful, radiant being, and *I* want to know what's on your mind... you, me, we're all interconnected, we're all from the same Source, so why wouldn't I want to know about your life? It's just as valid to me as my own life... maybe I'm going through something similar, maybe it's a timely lesson. There's a reason you've come into my life at this moment... let's together uncover what message we have for each other. :) Sometimes we don't feel like we are (radiant), sometimes it's like our true vision is clouded... I remember how astounded I was the first time I flew (when I was 12).... we took off under seriously overcast and rainy skies, but once we went through the clouds (which were rather turbulent, admittedly)... the sun was shining above them, and it was BEEEEEEautiful up there. This is like your true self, your true nature. You might not realize it, being on the ground, in the rain and mud of your life, but you are TRULY radiant and beautiful and full of warmth and life-giving energy. You are, because you're alive... with every breath you breathe. Have faith in your self, in Life, in a Higher whatever-you-want-to-call-it.... because sunny days will come once again into your life, days when you are connected with your higher Self, with your true nature.

Yes, you are worthy. We are all worthy. We are all One.