On Being Authentic

These snippets were on an online discussion group... I've pieced them together to share some thoughts on being authentic... I'd also suggest picking up Erich Fromm's book "To Have or To Be", or Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now", or of course there are many others out there. I've just read these two recently, that's all.

The discussion started because someone shared that they can feel overwhelmed and crabby with people in their lives when they are under stress (and this really resonated with me because that's exactly what I do sometimes). Here's the snippets pieced together, in a rambling arrangement which I know you'll forgive me for...

I think that if we can be true to ourselves in a safe environment we can heal and in doing so help those around us to see it is possible and maybe feel their pain, too, knowing that we who love them most will be there with the arms that hug and the ears that listen and the soul that cares.

Consider that everyone's most authentic Self is perfect - and multifaceted. So today my most authentic self may be bitchy, and tomorrow whiny and the next day affectionate. And all those aspects of me are perfect. (I love that comment - that all aspects of me, including the ones I judge as less-than-perfect, are in fact flawless and perfect. Something to celebrate!)

Now I'm thinking it's not about avoiding unpleasantness - not in the sense of "go ahead and be a bitch to your family" but it's more the sense of honouring that part of one's essential nature, celebrating it even, so that it *becomes* an expression of one's best self. So when we start to have these huge, wild emotions, that can be a moment where we can become conscious again - where we can remember that these emotions are signals, signposts, and they can be the opening for much personal growth... if only we take one deep breath and a moment to consider why these big emotions are surfacing in our lives - what is their deeper meaning? For example, when my best is kind of whiny, I can look deeply at my whininess and see what needs aren't being met, where I'm feeling a sense of lack in my life, even if I can't do anything about it right then.

Consider that the people around you in your life can help you regain an abundance mindset. Do you truly feel in this moment that there is limitless joy and love available to us all in every moment? It is our true nature, after all. Recently the kids & I watched Akeelah and the Bee, a beautiful movie about a girl who enters her school's spelling bee and goes on to the Nationals. Her coach has her read a quote posted in his home office, and I wish I could remember it right now as I don't think I will do it justice otherwise. Basically it is something like, We all ask ourselves Who am I to be beautiful, talented, healthy, etc., (basically, who am I to experience limitless joy and love in my life) but the real question is Who am I ***NOT*** to be all that and more?! It was lovely and it really touched a cord (as in yesterday's post) about not feeling worthy.

I find, funnily enough, that I have always had this preconception of myself that I don't know WHAT I want or need in any given moment. When I'm crabby or whatever, and if you stop me and say, 'hey, I can see that this isn't the real you, this is not your authentic self - there's something else at play here. What do you need right now?' Sometimes, before I've taken that deep breath, I'll just be crabbier and say, I don't KNOW what I need or want right now! I'm just feeling crabby! And so I can just sit there, feeling the crabbiness in all its intensity (which is fine, but it doesn't necessarily transcend the feeling and help me to grow, which is really what I am aiming for) - and I think sometimes we feel that if we just focus our energy on our emotions that our emotions will grow into these huge, unmanageable, overwhelming monsters, so we try to ignore them completely, which obviously doesn't help at all (nor does it set a good example for children on how to deal with unruly emotions that inevitably surface in life). Know that sometimes, after initially acknowledging that you are in the depths of emotion (the "depths of despair" as Anne Shirley called it), it can take a few seconds (which can feel like an eternity) to be able to take a deep breath or two in order to really here what this well-meaning person had shared with me - to realize, right, this emotion isn't who I truly am. I am joy and love and peace and so much more than the crabbiness I'm feeling right now. Now, what IS it that I need/want right now? Water? Food? A hug?

And sometimes we feel like there just isn't enough of us to go around (especially as a busy mother). In these moments, someone suggested we can feel like we are overextending ourselves. Are we striving for the supermom stereotype? I know I fall prey to it when I'm unconscious. Thinking that the world will end if the house isn't spotless, the kids happy, work in order, workout complete, all your ducks in a row... And in those moments when we are unconscious and thinking of our to-do lists, yes, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed and feel like our energy is depleted. In moments like that, I am learning to take a moment for myself and try to remain conscious that I am joy and love and peace. I am all that. And if I can't regain consciousness right then, I spin into the crabbiness mode and I think it is my own way of communicating to myself that I want to make some changes - that I want to remember my true nature and live an authentic life, and that striving for some external stereotype is not it.

Realize that sometimes the 'fire' of the emotion must die down before there is real communication about how to satisfy the need that the emotion was based in. Sometimes that means we say "can't go there now..."and "I need to be alone for a bit." It's OK to give one another space to just BE (even if that is being grumpy/crabby/etc.)

Another suggestion I read is to tell each other when we want to be heard only or when we want help to get through an emotion. Sometimes we may say something that is about the other; emotions are not *always* based in reality. They are, for the most part, reactionary. Feelings aren't always in exact allignment with what really happens...they are our own reaction to what has happened...and often they are an accumulation of events leading up to what happened...sometimes years of events.

Holding a grudge over what someone says when frustrated and angry doesn't do anything good for our relationship. Recognizing that we say things in anger that don't hold through to the happier, brighter moments does. Our relationship is important enough to let go of the angry things that they may say, unless they want me to remember them. If that's the case, I am more than happy to talk about them and work with those thoughts and feelings.

And then there's a whole discussion on our children being emotional and how as parents we can be drawn into the whole scene (or if you don't have kids, think about just people in your life in general). And how we have an opportunity there, before jumping in, to remind our chidren that they are pure joy and love and peace, and sometimes just that can break it up. I had the exact scene happen just yesterday, only it was reversed. I was making them lunch and they were making noise and generally just bothering me (not intentionally, of course) and I was getting short & snappy and then the younger one said something about her just wanting to be my friend, and the older one said we're family, not friends, and then the younger one said but we can be both, we can be friends AND family! And it took me a couple seconds and a few more words from her and I just started laughing that a 4 yr old could be so wise. And her laugh right then would've set your toes tingling. It was bliss. And I recalled how when she was born I just felt like she was here to teach us so much. And hasn't she already though!

So here are some of the questions that provoked this whole rant/discussion:

What are some ways you create space for people in your life to express their feelings? How do you remind yourself in the moment that it's OK, and it's not about you? How do you maintain your level of good feeling if people in your life are needing to feel otherwise?

Oh, but there's more to share!!! This is great; I love all this stuff - it's why I have a degree in Psychology... LOL Oh, and I just thought I'd add a suggestion that Marshall Rosenberg's NonViolent Communication is a great great way to learn communication skills. Or People Skills by Robert Bolton, but personally I like Rosenberg's writings.

So to continue...

1.) ALL feelings are valid, because they generally come from a person's value system. Therefore, I can't argue with a feeling, but I can celebrate the fact that someone has chosen to share it with me. (I love that - to see that people choose to share their emotions with you, and that it is something to celebrate - maybe we don't celebrate enough in our lives - hence the loving life and laughing name of the blog!!!)

2.) We have to establish relationships where we tell the truth without blame or judgment. Once you get that down and you both do it, you can hear the words of your partner for what they are - an expression of their feelings that were not intended to hurt or judge you. And of course you respond in kind.

3.) We have to be open to outcomes, not attached to them. For us, this means coming into conversations without a hidden agenda and without feeling like we have to be right or have to win.

4.) The person communicating owns the message, and the receiver owns their reaction to it. These ownership rights cannot be bought, sold, bartered, borrowed, or transferred. What that means is that if someone in your life says something that gets your dander up, you own that reaction, not the other person for saying it (and "provoking" your response). You can then realize that you can have your reaction for a number of reasons, but mostly it's because something in their message hit a nerve with one of your insecurities, deepest fears, etc.

This person continued on to say: I think that we each have a right (some would say a choice) to be angry or sad, and that we also each have a right to not get sucked into the emotions of others. Well said, well said!

And for a laugh...

"I've learned to say things like "I really love you, you big weirdo" or "I really like it when you drip sweat on the coffee stains on the counter so I can lick them off... mmmmmm" I know... eeeeeeeeewwwww. But the humor, especially the gross stuff, lets my partner know I really mean all the lovey stuff *and* lets him accept it."

Have a great, light-filled, joyous, peaceful, loving day!!