Growth

We had salad mix from our local CSA today, and amongst the leafy green goodness that was in it were pea shoots... that we just loooooooooove. Which reminded me of the forthcoming spring, of the increasing light of each day, of new growth... of personal growth.

I have a friend who just finished radiation treatments for breast cancer on Thursday. Thirty treatments over the past 6 weeks. We celebrated her final treatment, and something she said to me afterwards really hit home: "As you go through life, you've got to open your mind up and be continually learning, seeking new experiences, and growing. Because if you're not growing, you're stagnating. And if you're stagnating, you're dying." Her positive attitude and willingness to embrace life throughout the past several months has been truly awe-inspiring.

Someone said to me today that I tend to talk myself out of my goals. I didn't realize that's what I was doing, and it really helped to have someone articulate for me what I (unconsconsciously) must do: sabotage my own success. [What would I do in this moment, if I knew I could not fail?] I need to fully embrace my goals, own them, actualize them. I hear the self-doubt sooooooo often - the little voice that says I have nothing worth sharing with the world, that I'm just "little ol' me" - woe's me.

So tonight, when I realized I was beginning to spiral into the negative thinking of self-doubt and self-loathing, I sprang from the bed (before my mind could weasle it's way out of it), turned the light on, and did a set of tai chi. It felt wonderful to melt into the moment. Afterwards, I gave thanks for the healing energy, and then, I looked at myself in the mirror, smiled, and said, "I love you. You are worthy. I love you unconditionally. You are loved. You are lovable. You are loving." I smiled to myself as I said this, taking the time to really see the laugh lines, the wrinkles, the grey hair. I tried to see me as others see me, because it seems like it's sometimes easier for others to love me than it is for me to love myself - everyone else seems to accept that I have increasing amounts of grey hair, so why shouldn't I also fully embrace and accept me as I am in this moment? I looked at myself in the mirror and felt beautiful.