food

One of the things we did yesterday was go grocery shopping. Our cupboards were, in my opinion, getting a little bare (just call me Old Mother Hubbard, lol). Actually, shopping yesterday made me think a lot about why I surround myself with food... why is it that I need full cupboards before I feel secure, safe. Why is it I need access to food? And am I the only one who's like this???? What would it be like for me to live with only the food I was going to eat today, or this week, in the house.... no stockpile of goji berries or maca powder, or flax crackers and raw almond butter in the house. makes me anxious just thinking about it. :s

Part of it is that I have hang-ups with food scarcity. Maybe in a past life I starved to death, I don't know. I can tell you that since being born (and yes, this is a 'racket', to use that terminology (if you're familiar with it) I tell myself, a story I hang onto about myself, that yes, I could choose at any time here to just let go of), I have been really really hung up on having food around me... specifically, like, overeating. As an infant I apparently used to suck that bottle dry in less than a minute. My mom said it was like I was constantly starving. I'd inhale the pablum. I'd scarf whatever food you put in front of me. This is how I felt it was growing up... I never ever had free access to food, to choose what or more importantly, how much, to eat. It was as though food was withheld from me (in my 'best interests') - and yet, by mealtime, I'd be sooooo hungry and I'd eat so quickly (and without thought or mindfulness/conscious intent). I remember being put on my first diet at 13. And then of course the cycle of dieting begins. My 20s were spent obese. Now in my 30s I feel like veganism, and specifically raw veganism, is giving me healing, yet I'm still not completely there.

I said to dh yesterday that if you were to ask me what weight I'd like to be, it would be, ironically, the lowest weight I've ever been as an adult, which, incidentally, I only hit after being sick for 2 weeks with a nasty kidney infection when I was 18. WHY do I still think that is an acceptable weight for me? Seriously. How warped is it that in my mind, my ideal weight requires me to be violently ill for several weeks to reach it, let alone how would I maintain that?!? LMAO Not to mention why do I think a weight I haven't been since I was 18 is a reasonable goal to attain in my 30s... (someone needs some t-h-e-r-a-p-y)

I really want to juice feast again... 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, who knows how long. There is an incredible freedom when you're feasting - and maybe I'd experience that if I'd just make a food plan (as opposed to a food log) and stick with it on a daily basis. I figure if I was feasting I'd be free from the options of what to eat... it would be juice, and then... more juice. :D And maybe I'd be able to sort through a lot of this baggage?

I'm still working my way through Raw Emotions, an incredibly helpful book by raw diva, Angela Stokes-Monarch. I guess with deep seated issues like mine around food, it's going to take a while.